Wednesday, November 17, 2010

From Dwight Schrute's Beet Farm: Four Loko to Remove Caffeine from Drink

Good News/Bad News: Good news is the rumor that Four Lokos are going to be banned are incorrect. The bad news they are removing the caffeine. Here is a list of horrible things that will happen when Four Lokos will no longer have caffeine:
  • Drunk people will start to feel tired and go to sleep before 6 a.m.
  • The vomit-esque taste that we have all forced ourselves to love, could potentially improve (cuz let's face it, there's no way it can get worse)
  • Drunk women with less caffeine in their system are more prone to pass out rather than make bad decisions
  • People will stop buying the drinks, and BG Carry-Out, and all other liquor stores in BG will go out of business, forever. And our economy will plummet. Thanks a lot, jerks.
  • The Bears will miss the play-offs.
  • I will lose 4 pounds
  • My grades will improve
As you can see, nothing but atrocities will occur when there is no caffeine in Four Lokos. My guess is the civilized world as we know it will be completely destroyed only weeks after these non-caffeinated beverages hit the market.
Four Loko to Remove Caffeine from Drink

The popular alcohol drink Four Loko is removing the caffeine from its contents after numerous complaints.

Phusion Projects, the makers of popular alcohol drink Four Loko, have announced that they will remove caffeine and other stimulants from their all of their beverage products. The decision to reformulate comes after intense scrutiny from the Food and Drug Administration, which had been poised to ban the drink over growing health concerns with the ingredients. Although they plan to continue non-caffeinated versions of the Four Loko and Joose brands, Phusion Project's managing partners contend that Four Lokos are safe to drink and are comparable to other caffeine-alcohol concoctions like rum and cola.

"We have repeatedly contended - and still believe, as do many people throughout the country - that the combination of alcohol and caffeine is safe," said Phusion Project's managing partners Chris Hunter, Jeff Wright and Jaisen Freeman. "If it were unsafe, popular drinks like rum and colas or Irish coffees...would face the same scrutiny that our products recently faced. We are taking this step after trying - unsuccessfully - to navigate a difficult and politically charged regulatory environment at both the state and federal levels." (

For those unaware, Four Loko is a 23.5-ounce alcoholic beverage that cost $2.50 per can and has an alcohol content of 12%. It recently became the subject of much controversy after more than a dozen students attending Ramapo College in New Jersey were hospitalized after consuming too much of the drink this past October. Since then, a number of schools and even states like New York have banned the sale of the drink altogether.

For the better part of two years, the FDA has been targeting Four Loko and other alcoholic beverages that contain caffeine and other natural stimulants. Although there is no definitive study that officially states that the combination of alcohol and caffeine is unsafe for consumption, a study at Wake Forest University found that students were more likely to suffer alcohol-related injuries while consuming caffeinated alcoholic beverages than non-caffeinated alcoholic drinks.

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