BEET Life (vol. 3): 3 Ways to Trick People Into Thinking You're Intelligent

Having a hard time landing a job? Have you come to grips that women will never find you attractive, and you’re too big of an asshole to ever get points for being nice? Well fret not, you can still be a desirable person to society with intelligence. What’s that? You’re a complete moron? That’s totally cool because we here at BRL have developed three clever ways for you to mask your total inability to cultivate any sort of brain activity.

1.)  Wear glasses

The first and most obvious way to trick people into thinking you’re smart is to wear glasses, nay, spectacles. I stumbled upon my spectacles about a year ago, and it’s truly amazing how much smarter I look now than I did without my lenses. This is a great way to go, especially if you’ve already realized your not winning anybody over with your looks. Glasses not only put the image of librarians into people’s minds, but they also cover up some of your face, which literally is masking your hideous facial features.

One of these guys is a mysterious, handsome and intelligent young man, the other one is a fucking idiot.

Now before you go out a purchase the first pair of glasses you see, cool your shit. You have to pick the right kind of glasses to convey the perfect image of intellect. If you do this wrong and choose the wrong pair of specs, you could wind up looking like a bigger idiot than you already are (see: essentially every NBA star in post-game press conferences). You’re going to want a modest frame; unless you’re Woody Allen or Rick Moranis, people are just going to assume you’re a hipster and therefore, an idiot. Just get a pair of glasses that people who can’t see would wear, it’s not that damn hard.

You're doing it wrong, man.

2.)  Pretend you read

Here is another big one – reading. Smart people read, or so I’ve heard. So what you have to do is to put on an illusion that you are a fan of the written word. It’s really not that hard to pretend you read because when people see you with a magazine or a book, they’re going to assume you will at some point read it. Now what you need to do is get a couple of subscriptions to magazines like Time or The New Yorker (you can get Hustler too, but I’d put that in a more discreet location). If you want to get really crazy, carry a newspaper around. When you have these things, place them  around your apartment, where people are going to see them (coffee tables, counters, etc.). Make sure you rough them up a little bit too; people have to think you’ve actually flipped through these goddamn brain puzzles.

Bonus points for leather-bound books, bitches love leather-bound books.

Now on to the hard part, books.  What you’re going to want to do is get on eBay and buy a couple dozen books; eBay is great because you can get beat up, used books for like $4. It is important to be selective about what type of books you’re adding to your faux library. Don’t buy any books you would be interested in reading (that is if you actually read, which you don’t), so that's a "no" to having a Harry Potter book or any other book that was turned into a popular movie. You’re going to want to load up with a combination of older literature (ie: Dickens, Hemingway) and a few contemporary non-fiction works (maybe a few biographies and a couple of political books). Also on Facebook you can list books that you’ve “read” to your about me page. People will be inclined to think you’ve read those books, because no one’s lame enough to lie about reading, right?

3.)  Selective word choice

Using big words is a great way to trick people into thinking you’re smart. (See all these big words I’ve been using in this article? Yeah, no idea what they mean.) But it can be tricky because it’s also a fairly easy thing to fuck up, especially if you’re trying to trick real smart people into thinking you’re smart. But choosing the right way doesn’t always mean choose a big word. For example, saying the word “film” instead of “movie” will instantly make you sound like Roger Ebert. I’ve subtly done this throughout this article (“spectacles” instead of glasses and “intelligent” instead of smart), and I have you eating out my hand because you think I’m super smart.

BEET Life (vol. 2): 5 Pieces of Bad Advice from Rappers

I can genuinely say since turning 10 years old, hip hop has taught me about life more than anything else. (Yes, more than my parents, teachers, the Bible, Dr. Suess, etc.) Advice like “back that azz up” and “Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nothing to fuck wit” and who could forget “throw some D’s on that bitch” has shaped me into the man I am today. Unfortunately, not everything said in a rap song is sound advice. That’s why I’ve compiled a list to remind folks that yes many of these rappers are wholesome, sound advice givers, there are a few in the bunch that are just up to no good.

#1. Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems – Notorious B.I.G.

 

Now Christopher Wallace, better known as Biggie Smalls or Notorious B.I.G. has always been one of the better advice givers in hip hop. To this day, I consult “Ten Crack Commandments” whenever I’m planning a business venture (“never get high on your own supply” and “keep yo’ family and business completely separated” are two bits of guidance that can translate into nearly any situation), but with his 1997 hit “Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems” he really drops the proverbial ball.

As someone who has gone his whole life with a lack of funds, I can attest more revenue coming into my life would not only not add to my list of problems, but it would in fact erase several problems. As a recent college graduate, I’ve found myself in about $50,000 in debt. If I had mo’ money, I would be able to pay off these loans, move out of my parents house, pop bottlez and buy more rap records. It’s quite clear that I would have less problems if I had mo’ money. Sorry BIG, you can’t win them all.

#2. Bitches Ain’t Shit – Dr. Dre and Snoop Doggy Dogg

 

On the surface, bitches ain’t shit is a true statement. Women (or female dogs even) are not bowel movements. But the true sentiment of this rap lyric is buried under some deep metaphorical, brilliant usage of the English language. To my understanding, which could be off base considering I’ve only earned my Bachelor’s whereas Dr. Dre has heard his PHD (not an MD, like many have claimed), that this song is saying that one should not be concerned with women.

I’ll get back to the basic thesis of this song in a moment, but first I want to address the language of this song. Like many impressionable hip hop listeners, I always assumed that the word “bitch” was applicable in everyday communications – it’s not. After extensive experimentation with the word “bitch,” I’ve concluded that women, indeed do not enjoy being referred to as such. First I’ve tried it with my mother, then later with every love interest I’ve encountered, and I’ve gotten lukewarm reception at best (and embarrassing physical injury at worst). So that misguidance alone is enough to land a spot on this list (and yes Too $hort, I’ve tried your extended “biiiiiiyaattcchhh” and have found it to be worse in some cases), but that’s only half of it.

In my 23 years, I’ve found that women are not only “shit” but also play a very vital role in a man’s life. I’ve had time with female guidance and time without female guidance, and I can say life is easier when you have a woman telling you what to do. In my early years, it was my mother who gave me advice (“don’t put that in your nose” “shut the hell up or I will beat your ass”), then later on it was girlfriends and girl friends (“don’t drink that” “you look like an asshole” “don’t put that in your nose”). And I’ve discovered when I don’t have these women in my life to tell me what to do (and more often, what not to do), I end up getting myself into some pretty unfavorable situations. So ladies, BRL is officially a pro-bitches website. You’re welcome Tina and Amy.

#3. Only God Can Judge Me – 2Pac

 

 

2Pac lived, and well, died by this mantra. Unfortunately this is just 100% inaccurate. You live most of your life being judged by others. I think a more accurate statement (depending on your beliefs) is that God is the last person (or whatever he or she is) that will judge you. And God judges good (see: Old Testament).

But there are several others in our lives that judge, and sometimes this judgment is helpful (see: mothers and girlfriends). Sure, other judgment isn’t as great (see: the jury on OJ Simpson’s 1994 trial). But my point is there are many judges in our lives; here’s a short list: the aforementioned women and juries, judges, bloggers, people who drive behind slow drivers.

#4. Bring Da Ruckus – Wu-Tang Clan

 

I can say the 9-10 members of Wu-Tang Clan have played more of a role in developing me into the incredibly average individual I am today than just about any other group of 9 or 10 African-American gentlemen. Ghostface Killah telling me to “be nice to the crackheads” was stern, fatherly guidance that I needed when I was a just a sophomore in high school. And the late great Ol’ Dirty Bastard telling me to use conditioner has helped my hair in more ways than I can count. But I can tell you that bringing da motherfuckin ruckus at the wrong time, can really hurt you socially and economically.

Sure, bringing said ruckus can be an enjoyable experience, but one must pick his or her spots. Bringing da motherfuckin ruckus at 1:30 a.m. at a dive bar is a more than acceptable time to do so. But bringing that same ruckus to a funeral, can be bothersome to many. Bringing just a little bit of ruckus to a court hearing could lead you to doing a little bit of time in the penitentiary (which wouldn’t be a bad place to bring some ruckus, I’d imagine).

#5. Where the Hood At? – DMX 

The main basis of this song is Earl Simmons on an odyssey for his neighborhood (or it might be his hooded sweatshirt, again layers). I have no issue with this because I’m sure Mr. Simmons has managed to get lost on many occasions, as this song was recorded well before GPS devices were the norm. And I get that. DMX and I both have a less-than-desirable sense of direction, so if I were lost I’d be yelling “where da hood at” also.

The main problem is the bits of advice sprinkled in the verses of this song, while he is searching aimlessly for his hood. First off you have “show no love to homo thugs.” Now this is a piece of advice I think is aimed towards my homosexual friends. I think he’s trying to say gay men, “hey, you can do better than that dead beat who is physically and emotionally abusing you.” This is great advice, gay men shouldn’t have to settle for “thugs.” Unfortunately when you piece together other bits of this verse (“how you gon’ explain fuckin a man? Even if we squash the beef, I ain’t touchin ya hand”), one starts to think that helping gay men find a quality mate is not what Mr. Simmons had in mind when he penned this track.

So speaking to gay and straight men, it is perfectly okay to be accepting of homosexual lifestyles. I know DMX has said some profound things in the past that have both tested the limits of the English language and human spirituality, but this one is a straight up dud.

Also “empty out ya clips and throw mo’ slugs” is another misstep in this track. If you do have a liscenced firearm, I highly recommend you do not empty out your clips and throw more slugs without at least asking a couple of questions first.

BEET LIFE: 6 Tips on How to Survive College

Hello BRL,

Your great leader has returned after spending months in exile, hiding from the apocalypse. I’m proud to say that, yes I’ve defeated the Mayans and I will probably live forever.

As you may or may not have noticed (most likely you have, come on, you know you love BRL more than your first born), I’ve been noticeably absent for most of the past 8 months or so. Yes, I’ve done a few “Artist Spotlight” posts here and there, but I haven’t really dedicated much time to this blog. Much of that has to do with the treacherous and unpredictability of life in the “real” world.

I’ve decided to take this blog in a little bit of a different direction. Yes, you will still get some of my brilliant musical knowledge and I will continue to do the occasional “Artist Spotlight,” but I want to focus on the “Life” aspect a little bit more here on Beets, Rhymes & Life. With my 23 years of life experience, I feel more than qualified to inform you peons on to live life and conquer your most modest goals. See without further adieu, here is the first of hopefully (but let’s be honest probably not) many Beet Life posts.

BEET LIFE: 6 Tips on How to Survive College

 

Last May I did what very few have ever been able to do, I graduated from the esteemed Bowling Green State University (better known as the Harvard of the Midwest) with a 3.2 GPA with a major in Print Journalism and a minor in Popular Culture (yes, that’s a real thing). So this more than qualifies me to tell you how to survive college life, so listen up you twatty 19 year-olds, and I’ll show you how to perform slightly above average academically and trick naïve women into thinking you’re cool.

Tip 1: Never turn down a free beer.

 

This is the first and most important piece of advice I can give. That’s why it’s number one because you’re probably going to get distracted by some asshole trying to Facebook chat you before you can read the whole list. When you arrive at college you will likely be 18-going-on-19. Which means you will spend roughly two and a half years at school trying to find beer.

If you’re reading this and you’re a college student, you probably don’t have a lot of friends, so you might be spending a lot of time sober. This, my friends, is a real fucking bummer. I was lucky enough my Freshman year to be decent enough friends with people who constantly had booze; I spent a lot of that year intoxicated – life was good. My Sophomore year however, those connections moved away and I spent a lot of time sober – a real fucking drag.

This is when I learned life’s most important lesson – NEVER turn down a free beer. You don’t feel like drinking tonight? You got class in ten minutes? You’re at work? You’re already completely blacked out and the mere scent of alcohol will cause you to projectile vomit all over your house and closest friends? Tough shit. You accept that beer with a smile, and you consume all 12 ounces. Who knows when you’ll have access to another opportunity like this?

Even after you’re of legal drinking age, you always accept the beer. By that time your student loan debt is pushing $40,000 and funds are tight. Thanks to my shamelessness, I’ve accumulated enough money to buy a decent home in Detroit – all thanks to generosity of my fellow drunkards.

Tip 2: If you’re going to go bowling, do it ironically. 

 

This may sound random, but some asshole is going to ask you to go bowling at some point in your college life. Hopefully it’s a girl you’re trying to nail, but most likely it’s some dude who helped you cheat on your biology exam, and you owe him. If it’s scenario A: sure go ahead and bowl, but I warn you take the game too seriously, she’s gonna think you’re lame because bowling is fucking lame. If you don’t take it seriously enough and she beats you, she’s going to think you’re a pussy and friend-zone your ass promptly. There’s a nice little gray area here. My suggestion: bowl like an asshole (my bowling technique consist of me chucking the ball down the lane like I’m passing a basketball), but be fucking good at it. Also make sure you are aloof at all times – about to pick up a spare? Throw the ball down the lane and head back to your seat and not look at the ball. If you do pick up said spare, go ahead and give an ironic Tiger Woods fist pump.

If its scenario B: exhaust every option to get out of it. You already have something going on that night. You’re way too drunk to do any sort of physical activity. You’re completely broke.  He’s buying? You can’t get out of it? Looks like you’re bowling, bro. But it doesn’t have to be all bad. Make sure there’s a group of people you’re bowling with. If it’s two dudes bowling people are going to make assumptions, and not only that but you’re going to run out of things to talk about with Mike from Biology pretty fucking quick when you find out he doesn’t watch football. Make sure there’s alcohol involved, and lots of it. Bowling is stupid. Even the asshole who run the bowling joint knows that, that’s why they serve beer in containers that look like something out of Beerfest. Drink as much booze as you can, and try to pay as little as you can. If Mike from Biology is dragging your ass here, he better be paying for your flat Coors Light.

Tip 3: If someone talks about a band you’ve never heard of, pretend you do?

 

There’s nothing worse than the asshole who plays the guitar, is a music major and thinks he knows everything there is to know about music. You’re on this website, so obviously you know a little bit about music – or at least enough to pretend to know something. Some wannabe-hipster is undoubtedly going to ask you about the new Sigur Ros album while you’re trying to order a French Vanilla Latte at Starbucks, at some point in your college life. Have you heard of Sigur Ros, possibly. Have you heard their new record, probably not. Do you want to listen to Sigur Ros? Fuck no. But you’re already paying $5 for a bitch-ass caffeinated drink, don’t let this clove-smoking douchebag make you feel small because you don’t download everything you’ve read about on Pitchfork.

If someone asks you about an artist and their music, always reply “yeah I heard it, the new album is pretty cool, but I like their first record better” (oh and using the word “record” instead of CD or album, makes you sound much cooler/more informed). This will always hold up in an argument no matter what. Even when it’s not true, you can always say something like “their new stuff is too polished for me” or “that first record was just so honest and raw” to support your claim. That’ll show ‘em.

Tip 4: Never schedule morning classes.

 

This one is probably the most obvious on the list, but you’d be surprised how many assholes like yourself drop the ball on this one. At some point in your college career, you’re going to overhear your roommates/friends talk about how nice it is to be done with classes for the day at 11 a.m. This is a fucking trap; don’t fall for it. Yeah your friends have the whole day to play Madden and watch Cops, but you know what? They start their day at 8 a.m. You are not that type of person. You’re the type of shit bag, who’s going to stay up until 3 a.m. watching Seinfeld re-runs, checking your Twitter and clicking through stupid ass memes on StumbleUpon.

You are not a morning person and you never will be. Just because you have one moment of enlightenment, don’t fuck up your entire semester because you felt inspired to make a lifestyle change. There really aren’t that many perks to starting your day at 8 and ending it at 11. Trust me no cool shit happens during the hours of 11 a.m. – 4 p.m. You know why? All the cool motherfuckers are still in class. You know when cool shit happens? 6 p.m. – 3 a.m. And guess who won’t be awake to see your friend Brian get shithouse drunk and jump off of your roof? That’s right your asshole friends who scheduled that 8 a.m. class.

Tip 5:  Wear sweatpants to class on the first day.

 

Every semester it’s the same – college campuses run rampant with students intoxicated with the promise of a fresh start deciding to dress like they’re going to a job interview to try and impress new classmates and teachers. This will not work for you. Yes, this will work for the chesty blonde, who decided to wear Daisy Duke jean shorts and a top that leaves little to the imagination. But you have not be blessed with physical attributes that will instantly make you seem attractive or interesting. You also don’t have the money or fashion sense to be able to consistently dress well.

How do I stand out, you ask? Easy set the bar very, very low. You’ve already showed up five minutes late to class and got a shitty seat, sitting next to the mouth breather who has a perpetual runny nose – because, like we mentioned before – you are NOT a morning person. So why rock your best shit on a day that’s already a wash? Here’s what you do – wear your sweatpants. Set your alarm for five minutes before your class starts, wake up, gargle some mouthwash, spray an inoffensive amount of AXE on yourself and get to class, you unimpressive bastard.

Now don’t worry about being the weird, smelly kid in class because you’re not that kid, you’re sitting next to that. Ah ha, showing up late on the first day and getting a miserable seat next to a miserable person all of a sudden has its perks. Since this gentleman has no social skills, you will be the cool guy in the group all semester, and there’s at least a slight chance he will be so appreciative of being next to another living person, he may do all of your work for you as well.

As the semester wears on, people will start giving less of a fuck about what they look like, and by then have already given up hope trying to bang that chick who wore the super short shorts on the first day. This is your time to shine my friend. With a level playing field you can now dust off those slacks that you bought for your cousins funeral, and be the best looking guy in your class.

Tip 6: Never carry cash on you.

 

I’ve found whenever I have cash on me, I end up spending it. The best way to save money is to never, ever have cash on you. The cute sorority girls asking for some money for some stupid cause you don’t give a shit about? Engage them, sure. After a few minutes of small talk and pretending to care about starving kids in India, reach into your wallet. Oh shit, you don’t have any cash. Darn. What, they don’t accept credit cards? Damn, you were really hoping you could give them a couple of bucks because this is a cause you truly believe in. And that, my friends is how you look like a good guy, without actually having to spend any money.

But you like to carry cash on me when you go out drinking, you say? You fucking fool. Do you know how many expenses you can get out of by simply saying, oh shit I don’t have any cash? Most bars have a minimum amount of money you have to spend in order to use a credit card. There’s no point in using your card if you’re only going to stay for one drink, oh my buddy’s got this round? Thanks man, I’ll totally get you next bar.

And let’s not forget tipping our waitresses. Yes she’s beautiful, slightly ethnic and is wearing a flattering top that gives you just enough of a view of her good parts that you can properly satisfy yourself to later. But when you’re buying a beer for $2.50 in cash, how much are you going to tip? 50 cents seems too little and you’re not gonna get a quick beer or a courtesy laugh the rest of the night. A $1.50 tip and you just spent $4 on a shitty Bud Light.  Now if you’re paying in cash over the course of an evening, a 50 cent tip for each beer is going to add up to like 6 or 7 bucks, and god knows how big of a whole in your pocket you’re going to burn if you tip $1.50 a drink. How to avoid this mess? Pay with your card. You drink all night on a tab, and at the end of the night you feel like that $4.76 tip was pretty damn generous. You sir, are the fucking man.