Your great leader has returned after spending months in exile, hiding from the apocalypse. I’m proud to say that, yes I’ve defeated the Mayans and I will probably live forever.
As you may or may not have noticed (most likely you have, come on, you know you love BRL more than your first born), I’ve been noticeably absent for most of the past 8 months or so. Yes, I’ve done a few “Artist Spotlight” posts here and there, but I haven’t really dedicated much time to this blog. Much of that has to do with the treacherous and unpredictability of life in the “real” world.
I’ve decided to take this blog in a little bit of a different direction. Yes, you will still get some of my brilliant musical knowledge and I will continue to do the occasional “Artist Spotlight,” but I want to focus on the “Life” aspect a little bit more here on Beets, Rhymes & Life. With my 23 years of life experience, I feel more than qualified to inform you peons on to live life and conquer your most modest goals. See without further adieu, here is the first of hopefully (but let’s be honest probably not) many Beet Life posts.
BEET LIFE: 6 Tips on How to Survive College
Last May I did what very few have ever been able to do, I graduated from the esteemed Bowling Green State University (better known as the Harvard of the Midwest) with a 3.2 GPA with a major in Print Journalism and a minor in Popular Culture (yes, that’s a real thing). So this more than qualifies me to tell you how to survive college life, so listen up you twatty 19 year-olds, and I’ll show you how to perform slightly above average academically and trick naïve women into thinking you’re cool.
Tip 1: Never turn down a free beer.
This is the first and most important piece of advice I can give. That’s why it’s number one because you’re probably going to get distracted by some asshole trying to Facebook chat you before you can read the whole list. When you arrive at college you will likely be 18-going-on-19. Which means you will spend roughly two and a half years at school trying to find beer.
If you’re reading this and you’re a college student, you probably don’t have a lot of friends, so you might be spending a lot of time sober. This, my friends, is a real fucking bummer. I was lucky enough my Freshman year to be decent enough friends with people who constantly had booze; I spent a lot of that year intoxicated – life was good. My Sophomore year however, those connections moved away and I spent a lot of time sober – a real fucking drag.
This is when I learned life’s most important lesson – NEVER turn down a free beer. You don’t feel like drinking tonight? You got class in ten minutes? You’re at work? You’re already completely blacked out and the mere scent of alcohol will cause you to projectile vomit all over your house and closest friends? Tough shit. You accept that beer with a smile, and you consume all 12 ounces. Who knows when you’ll have access to another opportunity like this?
Even after you’re of legal drinking age, you always accept the beer. By that time your student loan debt is pushing $40,000 and funds are tight. Thanks to my shamelessness, I’ve accumulated enough money to buy a decent home in Detroit – all thanks to generosity of my fellow drunkards.
Tip 2: If you’re going to go bowling, do it ironically.
This may sound random, but some asshole is going to ask you to go bowling at some point in your college life. Hopefully it’s a girl you’re trying to nail, but most likely it’s some dude who helped you cheat on your biology exam, and you owe him. If it’s scenario A: sure go ahead and bowl, but I warn you take the game too seriously, she’s gonna think you’re lame because bowling is fucking lame. If you don’t take it seriously enough and she beats you, she’s going to think you’re a pussy and friend-zone your ass promptly. There’s a nice little gray area here. My suggestion: bowl like an asshole (my bowling technique consist of me chucking the ball down the lane like I’m passing a basketball), but be fucking good at it. Also make sure you are aloof at all times – about to pick up a spare? Throw the ball down the lane and head back to your seat and not look at the ball. If you do pick up said spare, go ahead and give an ironic Tiger Woods fist pump.
If its scenario B: exhaust every option to get out of it. You already have something going on that night. You’re way too drunk to do any sort of physical activity. You’re completely broke. He’s buying? You can’t get out of it? Looks like you’re bowling, bro. But it doesn’t have to be all bad. Make sure there’s a group of people you’re bowling with. If it’s two dudes bowling people are going to make assumptions, and not only that but you’re going to run out of things to talk about with Mike from Biology pretty fucking quick when you find out he doesn’t watch football. Make sure there’s alcohol involved, and lots of it. Bowling is stupid. Even the asshole who run the bowling joint knows that, that’s why they serve beer in containers that look like something out of Beerfest. Drink as much booze as you can, and try to pay as little as you can. If Mike from Biology is dragging your ass here, he better be paying for your flat Coors Light.
Tip 3: If someone talks about a band you’ve never heard of, pretend you do?
There’s nothing worse than the asshole who plays the guitar, is a music major and thinks he knows everything there is to know about music. You’re on this website, so obviously you know a little bit about music – or at least enough to pretend to know something. Some wannabe-hipster is undoubtedly going to ask you about the new Sigur Ros album while you’re trying to order a French Vanilla Latte at Starbucks, at some point in your college life. Have you heard of Sigur Ros, possibly. Have you heard their new record, probably not. Do you want to listen to Sigur Ros? Fuck no. But you’re already paying $5 for a bitch-ass caffeinated drink, don’t let this clove-smoking douchebag make you feel small because you don’t download everything you’ve read about on Pitchfork.
If someone asks you about an artist and their music, always reply “yeah I heard it, the new album is pretty cool, but I like their first record better” (oh and using the word “record” instead of CD or album, makes you sound much cooler/more informed). This will always hold up in an argument no matter what. Even when it’s not true, you can always say something like “their new stuff is too polished for me” or “that first record was just so honest and raw” to support your claim. That’ll show ‘em.
Tip 4: Never schedule morning classes.
This one is probably the most obvious on the list, but you’d be surprised how many assholes like yourself drop the ball on this one. At some point in your college career, you’re going to overhear your roommates/friends talk about how nice it is to be done with classes for the day at 11 a.m. This is a fucking trap; don’t fall for it. Yeah your friends have the whole day to play Madden and watch Cops, but you know what? They start their day at 8 a.m. You are not that type of person. You’re the type of shit bag, who’s going to stay up until 3 a.m. watching Seinfeld re-runs, checking your Twitter and clicking through stupid ass memes on StumbleUpon.
You are not a morning person and you never will be. Just because you have one moment of enlightenment, don’t fuck up your entire semester because you felt inspired to make a lifestyle change. There really aren’t that many perks to starting your day at 8 and ending it at 11. Trust me no cool shit happens during the hours of 11 a.m. – 4 p.m. You know why? All the cool motherfuckers are still in class. You know when cool shit happens? 6 p.m. – 3 a.m. And guess who won’t be awake to see your friend Brian get shithouse drunk and jump off of your roof? That’s right your asshole friends who scheduled that 8 a.m. class.
Tip 5: Wear sweatpants to class on the first day.
Every semester it’s the same – college campuses run rampant with students intoxicated with the promise of a fresh start deciding to dress like they’re going to a job interview to try and impress new classmates and teachers. This will not work for you. Yes, this will work for the chesty blonde, who decided to wear Daisy Duke jean shorts and a top that leaves little to the imagination. But you have not be blessed with physical attributes that will instantly make you seem attractive or interesting. You also don’t have the money or fashion sense to be able to consistently dress well.
How do I stand out, you ask? Easy set the bar very, very low. You’ve already showed up five minutes late to class and got a shitty seat, sitting next to the mouth breather who has a perpetual runny nose – because, like we mentioned before – you are NOT a morning person. So why rock your best shit on a day that’s already a wash? Here’s what you do – wear your sweatpants. Set your alarm for five minutes before your class starts, wake up, gargle some mouthwash, spray an inoffensive amount of AXE on yourself and get to class, you unimpressive bastard.
Now don’t worry about being the weird, smelly kid in class because you’re not that kid, you’re sitting next to that. Ah ha, showing up late on the first day and getting a miserable seat next to a miserable person all of a sudden has its perks. Since this gentleman has no social skills, you will be the cool guy in the group all semester, and there’s at least a slight chance he will be so appreciative of being next to another living person, he may do all of your work for you as well.
As the semester wears on, people will start giving less of a fuck about what they look like, and by then have already given up hope trying to bang that chick who wore the super short shorts on the first day. This is your time to shine my friend. With a level playing field you can now dust off those slacks that you bought for your cousins funeral, and be the best looking guy in your class.
Tip 6: Never carry cash on you.
I’ve found whenever I have cash on me, I end up spending it. The best way to save money is to never, ever have cash on you. The cute sorority girls asking for some money for some stupid cause you don’t give a shit about? Engage them, sure. After a few minutes of small talk and pretending to care about starving kids in India, reach into your wallet. Oh shit, you don’t have any cash. Darn. What, they don’t accept credit cards? Damn, you were really hoping you could give them a couple of bucks because this is a cause you truly believe in. And that, my friends is how you look like a good guy, without actually having to spend any money.
But you like to carry cash on me when you go out drinking, you say? You fucking fool. Do you know how many expenses you can get out of by simply saying, oh shit I don’t have any cash? Most bars have a minimum amount of money you have to spend in order to use a credit card. There’s no point in using your card if you’re only going to stay for one drink, oh my buddy’s got this round? Thanks man, I’ll totally get you next bar.
And let’s not forget tipping our waitresses. Yes she’s beautiful, slightly ethnic and is wearing a flattering top that gives you just enough of a view of her good parts that you can properly satisfy yourself to later. But when you’re buying a beer for $2.50 in cash, how much are you going to tip? 50 cents seems too little and you’re not gonna get a quick beer or a courtesy laugh the rest of the night. A $1.50 tip and you just spent $4 on a shitty Bud Light. Now if you’re paying in cash over the course of an evening, a 50 cent tip for each beer is going to add up to like 6 or 7 bucks, and god knows how big of a whole in your pocket you’re going to burn if you tip $1.50 a drink. How to avoid this mess? Pay with your card. You drink all night on a tab, and at the end of the night you feel like that $4.76 tip was pretty damn generous. You sir, are the fucking man.